Good evening gentlemen,

In life, we all face different struggles, tragedies, and horrors. As I grow older, I discover that I find strength in what I love. This can be a person, place, or thing. For example, when my cat died, I played Warhawk on the PS3 to comfort myself. When I ran out of chocolate milk for the firs time and realized that there isn't an unlimited supply of the sweet life nectar, I jerked it to midget porn, which is something I love.

However, as I grow older, I also realize that my problems grow as well. To cope with this fact, I find myself depending upon what I love more and more. One thing I've noticed, is that my Unicomp keyboard is a good source of motivation and comfort when I'm feeling down.

Girl said no to a date because you're a weak ass ugly fuck?

Use your Unicomp.

Failed Calculus 2 because you were too busy finding excuses to use your Unicomp?

Use your Unicomp.


Getting older and still have done anything with your life?

Use your Unicomp.

Believe in God?

Use your Unicomp.

Don't believe in God?

Use your Unicomp.

Use your Unicomp?

Use your Unicomp.


I'm conducting scientific research to understand why the Unicomp increases wellbeing almost 10 fold. I have the most prestigious people with letters after their name from a bunch of rich ass schools that look like theyre from the 1700s. It is a fascinating phenomenon. A... uninomenon if you will. I'm looking forward to sharing my results with you fine gentlemen.

Have a damn good unicomp day.